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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

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Two goldfish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says "hey know how to drive this thing?"

Two soldiers are in a tank, one looks at the other and says "BLUBBLUBBLUBBLUB"

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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

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i missed yesterday so heres another

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and …... cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.” 

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A group of nuns passes in front of San Pedro to enter heaven. So he asks the first one,
- Sister Veronica, have you ever touched a male member?
She says yes, but that she only touched him with one finger.
- Well sister, wash your finger here in the holy water and then enter.
He asked the second nun the same question, and she answered yes, but only with her hand.
- So ... Sister Gertrudis, wash your hands with holy water and enter. "
He suddenly comes running and pushing sister Maripuri and stands at the front of the line.
- Why so much trouble, my daughter? ", Asks San Pedro.
And the sister responds:
-Because if I have to gargle with that holy water, I want to do it before Sister Remigia washes her ass.

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Two nuns left the convent to sell cookies. One was the Mathematical Sister (M) and the other the Logic Sister (L).
M - Night is beginning to fall and we are still very far from the convent.
L - Sister, have you noticed that a man was following us half an hour ago?
Y-Yes, and what does he want?
L - It is logical. He will want to rape us.
M - My God! I estimate that if we keep walking at this rate, he will catch up with us in 15 minutes. What can we do?
L - The only logical thing we can do is walk faster !!!
M - It's not working !!!
L - Of course not! She did the only logical thing she could do: walk faster!
M - And now, what are we going to do? He will catch up with us in a minute !!!
L - The only logical thing we can do is separate. You go that way and I go this other. He won't be able to follow us both!
So the man decided to follow Sister Logic. Sister Mathematics arrived at the convent, worried about what might have happened to Sister Logic. After a while, Sister Logic arrived.
M - Sister Logic! Thank God you made it. Tell me what happened.
S-she The logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow both of them, so he decided to follow me.
M - And what happened next?
L - The logical thing! I started running as fast as I could, and so did he.
M - And? L - Again the logical thing. He reached me.
M - My God! and what did you do?
L - I did the logical thing. I quit the habit!
M - My God, sister !!! And what did the man do?
He-he also did the logical thing. He dropped his pants !!!
M - Oh no! What happened after?
L - Isn't it obvious, sister? A nun with a raised habit runs much faster than a man with his pants down ..!

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